Prepare Your Heart for Healthy Relational Connection

Blog by Gem Fadling

With the holidays approaching, I thought it would be good to revisit our annual conversation about loving detachment.

Most of us have at least one person in our lives who can be difficult to be around. It’s good to remember that we have choices and do not have to be hooked into another person’s unhealthy dynamic. So, let’s remind ourselves of what’s true.

How can we learn to be with people without being drawn into their behavior in a way that robs us of our own presence and joy?

Many of us grew up in situations that caused varying degrees of hurt or trauma. Because of that, we may have developed a kind of internal antenna that scans a room to determine if we are safe.

We read the room, take its temperature, and make unconscious decisions about how to manage or control situations. Some of us engage with energy and intensity, while others withdraw or shut down.

Either way, this antenna keeps us perpetually “on duty.” This sensitivity was once helpful, and it kept us safe at the time. It protected us, and for that, we can be grateful. We can always befriend our inner loyal soldiers.

Yet as we mature, it’s good to notice when this kind of hypervigilant self-protection no longer serves us. Over time, anxiety, stress, and emotional exhaustion can emerge.

One way we can step into healthy boundaries is by ensuring we aren’t over-carrying the people around us and that we aren’t attached in unhealthy ways.

The invitation is to care, but not to carry.

Think of Atlas bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders. We can learn to notice when our mental and emotional antenna begins to engage. You may be a deep feeler, which is a beautiful gift. But it can also become exhausting if it’s always active.

We can extend compassion to those around us, but we don’t need to pick them up and carry them in our backpack.

As we grow, it’s good to remain grounded in God’s love and in a healthy sense of self. This isn’t selfishness—it’s selfhood. You have been lovingly created by God, and his invitation is that we love others as we love ourselves.

Healthy boundaries within God’s care help us love ourselves so that we can love others with more grace and freedom.

Let’s explore two ideas that can help us move toward peace this season: boundaries and loving detachment.

Boundaries

Healthy boundaries exist for a reason. If someone is truly unhealthy for you, you don’t have to remain in their presence. You can walk away or make choices that protect your well-being.

I know this comes with its own relational dynamics. Boundaries are a large topic on their own, and you can learn a little more about them HERE. But remember this: you have agency and choice about who you spend time with.

Loving Detachment

Loving detachment helps us navigate the regular “I don’t prefer this person” moments that arise in daily life or family gatherings.

It’s a beautiful thing to remember that each one of us is on a journey. We are all in process. Some are walking their process and others aren’t…but that’s their choice.

Loving

The first loving act is to love yourself as God loves you.

It’s okay to recognize your once-trusted antenna and choose to let it rest as you engage healthy boundaries. Find that solid inner place where God sees you, loves you, and holds you. From that growing confidence, we extend love to others.

The second loving act is to love others as God loves us. Engage people without judgment or the need to fix. It’s often our inner critic or hero complex that worsens already tense situations. Practice quieting the judgments and fixing tendencies, and rest in healthy separation.

Detachment

Detachment means recognizing that everyone gets to decide for themselves how they will act, what they will say, and what they will do.

The key to your peace is to let go and let them. Easier said than done, I know. That’s why we call these practices—we practice.

The good news is that you also get to decide how you will act, what you will say, and what you will do. You don’t have to be hooked onto other people’s dynamics. You can simply let go.

The gift we give ourselves, and others, is the grace to let each one move at their own pace, by their own choice. Loving detachment can help us live this out.

I pray that your gatherings this Thanksgiving and Christmas will be blessed, and that you’ll remember you are loved exactly as you are. May that same grace flow from within you to others throughout the season.

Reflection 

• How might I lean more deeply into God’s love as I enter this season?
• What might loving detachment look like for me in the weeks ahead?
• Take a moment to pray, asking God for the grace to stay awake, aware, and full of compassion.